1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
