I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
