You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
