The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
