I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
How's work?
Spinning.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
