How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
