I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
