Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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