Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
