He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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