Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
