You're my little dorito
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
