god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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