My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
