Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
