Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
