I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
