Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
