Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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