apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Pants are for mortals
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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