he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
