I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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