You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
