onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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