Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
