Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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