I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
