I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
