I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
