It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
