just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
