Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Someone signed my nipple.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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