I'm jealous of your bromance
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
