so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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