god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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