just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
