Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
