shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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