Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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