I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
