just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
