I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
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