hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
