I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
