Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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