Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
