i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
