when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
