You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
