dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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